The Krouseometer

Let’s face it. Dating in modern American society is a complicated business.

Rob Reiner summed it up when he explained to a horny widower Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle:

        First, you have to be friends.  

        You have to like each other.  

        Then you neck.  This can go on 

        for years.  Then you have 

        tests.  Then you get to do it 

        with a condom. 

        The good news: you split the check.

Any real man knows this is total bullshit. If a man wants to get laid, all he has to do is make it known to enough women that he is horny. If he talks to enough women, he is bound to find at least one who is desperate or sluty enough to take care of business. There is no need to split any checks. There is no need to spend a fucking penny if you don’t want to.

In spite of Reiner’s lack of insight into getting laid, he correctly implies that the classic rules of men courting women are dead. I can’t disagree with this in any way. The rules, which once maintained a society where men financially supported women and women domestically supported men, have shifted. Men and women now support each other financially as well as domestically. Women have careers now, and men have to carry their own weight in household chores like doing the dishes. Indeed this is a more equitable living situation for men and women. Unfortunately, more and more people are going down this track and ending up in the nightmare that is divorce court.

What’s a brotha or sista to do? I suggest you do what any rational thinking person does, do your due diligence. When you find yourself interested in a person, understand what you are looking to gain from perusing this person. Are you looking to get laid? Or is he/she a potential spouse/mate/life-long companion/domestic partner/ or whatever else they are calling it these days?

You also need to understand why you have these interests. There are countless questions you could ask yourself. Why are you interested in getting laid? Is it solely to fulfill your primal instincts? Or are you trying to prove something to yourself? If so what are you’re trying to prove and will getting laid prove it to you? If not, what will? Why do you want a mate in the first place? Is it because you are an ego maniac and you get off on the idea of having Xerox copies of yourself running around the world? Is it because that is what society is telling you to do? Is it because you don’t know what else to do with your life? Is it because you love this person?

When you break men down to their lowest common denominator, they are binary creatures. There is no gray area in them. Life is a series of all or nothing choices. 1’s and 0’s. And when it comes to women, men classify them in one of two categories. Women he can screw and women he can’t. The women he can’t are obvious; his blood relatives, co-workers, friend’s ex-girlfriends, and girlfriend’s friends. This leaves every other woman as potentially screwable. Men then place these women into one of two more categories. The first is a very select group of women. These are the women he would bring home to meet his mother and consider having a family with. The second is comprised every other woman not spoken for already. Let me be frank. He would gladly sleep with all women in this last group, and couldn’t care less about any of them. I know it sounds harsh, but to him, these women are your basic sperm receptacles.

It is not my intention in this work to discuss what a man should do if he finds himself with the sperm receptacle variety of a woman. There are plenty of writers and commentators who have accurately covered the topic. If you are interested in that sort of discussion I can give references upon request.

My intention in this work is to shamelessly promote a new product I developed with the help of my colleague, Peter Krouse, MPH. It’s a product that stands to revolutionize the 21^st Century dating experience for all American men. It did for me. Its primary purpose is to help men weed out women who seem to be the take-home-to-meet-your-mom-variety of women from the sperm receptacle variety.

We call this product The Krouseometer. When used properly, The Krouseometer helps a man determine if a woman is NOT worth bringing home to meet his mother. Put in other terms, it won’t help you determine if you should put time into a woman, but it will tell you if you shouldn’t. It’s easy to use. Follow these steps:

1. Simply introduce The Krouseometer to a woman in question early in your relations with her.
2. Next, let the woman freely interact with The Krouseometer. This is the hardest step to follow for some men. Often times, men fear how the woman will interact with The Krouseometer. These types of men fear The Krouseometer’s true results and try to artificially control the woman’s experience with The Krouseometer. Such action will result in a malfunctioning Krouseometer.
3. For the final step, watch both the woman in question and The Krouseometer for reactions.

One of two outcomes present for negative readings. Either The Krouseometer will infuriate the woman in question to the point of irrationality, ending up with the woman calling The Krouseometer obscenities. Or, The Krouseometer will stop interacting with the woman in question altogether. In either case, you know to dump the woman and to dump her fast. In positive readings, both The Krouseometer and the woman in question will interact amicably.

Remember, positive readings do not guarantee that the woman in question is THE one for you while negative readings DO guarantee that the woman in question is NOT for you.

The Krouseometer is easy to acquire and costs nothing but the time and effort you would naturally invest in any of your close friends. First, choose a male friend you trust implicitly, preferably an opinionated and gregarious friend who enjoys speaking his mind to random women and then follow the directions presented above.

Finally, it should be said that The Krouseometer is not a substitute for a man’s own intuition; it is merely a tool that a man can use to remind him of his innate ability to discern women worth a damn from those he couldn’t give a damn about.

Godspeed to the truth seekers in this world.

Though created with women in mind, The Krouseometer, can also be used to determine if any person, regardless of your association, is worth investing time in. You might have a new employer who you are not sure about. No worries. Call The Krouseometer.

The Krouseometer is also great to have around when drinking beers, smoking weed, and watching any kind of sporting event.